Monday, July 27, 2009
"What's the Hold Up"
Hey I was talking with a young lady over the weekend about her boyfriend situation. She asked me a lot of questions about why hasn’t he ever said anything about marriage and when she brings it up or asked him what’s his take on it the subject changes. He doesn’t want to talk about it or they will talk later. They have been together for 2 ½ years and the relationship has been good for the most part, she is just ready for the next step. He is 30 and she is 28 they both have good jobs with stability. He has a kid and she has none. When she asked what’s the problem he tells her that he just wants to make sure he has all his ducks in a row. Meaning he wants to have a house and everything set up for them when they decide to marry. The question is when is it or is it a time line on when marriage should be a topic of discussion between a couple? Do women require men to have certain things set in place before marriage, besides the common trust things.
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It’s a hard issue to tackle these days. First off like I have said In previous blog post. A man knows if he wants to marry you with in the first 6mnths of the relationship. If the relationship goes on and the marriage thing doesn’t come to the forefront at sometime during this 6mnth period… you should start to ask some questions to yourself. I personally think that, the I need to get my duck in a row line is some bull. Now if he is telling you this and can’t give you any ducks that are out of line then your being stalled. I do believe that your personal bills should be under control and it shouldn’t be any out of control bills brought into the marriage. Now the, I want to have a house and furniture and all that is just a good excuse to me. When you start a new life there should be new things if money allows, most women don’t want to live in a house where a single man has been living as well as men don’t with women. You don’t know who has been there stayed there and who might still drop by there. If you love someone take time to look for a house together that you both like, find furniture that you both like. Let that be part of the foundation that you all will build together. If you have a good job and he or she has one as well and money isn’t really a issue, sell your things like furniture and all the replaceable things and start over. If he or she isn’t willing to work with these things and still giving you excuses, just be out.
ReplyDeleteShaquana said.
ReplyDeleteI agree that people know when they want to marry a person...male & female. I think women are usually more ready, or ready sooner than men. I know if I met the one, I could be married 2morrow. But that's just me. I also agree that the get a house thing can be a stall tactic. If they aren't actively looking for houses or actively trying to get these things that are not in a row in a row, he's just stalling. & I FIRMLY believe you should not pressure a man to marry you. I think you should let your feelings be known, so he knows where you stand. But if he knows you want to be married & you've been together for a few years & he's not making a move, you really need to evaluate if you need to stay. Because some men feel like, why buy the cow when you already have the milk. A lot of guys these days, don't want to take the commitment to the next level. They want to live together, have the kids, do all the things married people do except the paperwork, & that's unfortunate. Because often, we accept that. & when you look up, it's 5, 6 years later, & he's thinking, why get married? So, I think she needs to have a real sit down with him about his true intentions & hopefully he'll be honest & let her know if he really plans to marry her so if he doesn't she can move on & find someone who's ready.
Keisha said.
ReplyDeletemy post...
Well, the marriage issue can be a touchy one when either partner is not ready. In this case,they have been dating for two years: it seems like a mature relationship and to me that amount of time is more than adequate for either partner to realize if this person is a life partner. I used to think that it took so much soul searching and deep contemplation to decide on the issue of life partner, but in all truth and reality, we know exactly who we see as our future and who we do not. Even in those instances where we have been in relationships and we were sure that they were the "one" and when the relationship went south, when you looked back over the union, you could pick out specific points that led you in the opposite direction of forever and always: he cheated, was a lier, no plans for his future or for yours together, he could never pinpoint one relationship that lasted longer that they one that he shared with his mother, etc. So, we most definitely know what is the deal when it comes to this marriage thing; we might be nervous and maybe a little scared, but I don't believe that there is some mystery to settling down.
Now, as for the getting things together before I bring you on as my wife bit. I just don't buy it!! Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a man that wants to have himself in order (a job, his own residence, be mature enough and ready in his heart to take on the responsibility of a wife) but when did it become status quo that a man had to have absolutely everything "ready" for his future bride. As I listen to the wisdom of couples who have been married for more years than I have been alive, never once have I heard that the male in the relationship had the palace laid out for the wife become they became one. Especially in the African American culture, I always believed that both individuals worked together to build "their" life together. The building of the life was the foundation of the relationship; it was where everything else evolved. So, I don't know, maybe I have it wrong, but I find that I appreciate my partner so much more when he opens up and allows me to be a part of his preparation of himself for me and for us and I do the same for him.
This question seems straight out of Steve Harvey's book. I can't remember verbatim what he said, bu the has a chapter about this that is very plainly put. He basically stated that a man knows when he wants to settle down. If his mind is set on making it, you are in a loose, loose situation because he will not commit. He also mentioned that women make this mistake often because they don't make the marriage a requirement. Often times we enter into a relationship saying I don't want much, if he sticks around long enough, then I'll mention marriage. We know what we want and fail to tell the guy and after 2 years he's thinking everything is ok until you bring up marriage. Did you mention to him within the 1st couple of months that marriage was your ultimate goal? If not, you can't expect him to catch up to where you are. You need to let him know that you've grown and you want some changes in your life. You need to decide if your desire is worth letting him go. If so, it could be that he was just the exhibition game, the real Mr. Right maybe the next one to come around.
ReplyDeleteIf he truly wanted to be with you, he would. When I got married, neither my husband or I had much (we still don't), but he didn't care and neither did I. He knew I wasn't playing any games and he'd better ask me before someone else did. The point of being married is to build a life together. It's not 1940 where the man goes out and buys a house and sweeps you from your mom's house and you start your life together the night of the wedding. Being married nowadays is a partnership, a business even. If the two of you are to build things together, it has to start even before the wedding day.