Monday, June 22, 2009
" I Ain"t Got No Help"
What’s up people? Now today we are going where I try not to go, my kid. My daughter came over this weekend as she does just about every weekend. Now me and her mom aren’t together haven’t been in 9 years and I don’t plan on doing so. We met back in college got a baby, she moved to Birmingham and we tried to make it work. She decided that she wanted to move back home for some reason, no everything wasn’t perfect who’s life is? When she moved of course now were dealing with a single parent deal. She’s living in Montgomery and I’m in Birmingham, yeah I was pissed because I wanted to be involved in my child’s life on a daily bases and not be a weekend daddy. I was pissed afterwards didn’t really handle my business as I should have, gave money here and there nothing on a consistent bases. Well of course we broke up I tried to get back with her she didn’t want that wasn’t trying to hear it, mind you I still don’t know why we broke up and it’s 2009, which really doesn’t matter. As I got older the baby was about 3 and I started to send money and do things as I should have and have been since then. I have always done for her and have never went more than two weeks without talking to or seeing her. In 2007 her and her mom moved back to bham, I welcomed that because that meant I could see her more I could spend more time and she could have some help with school activities exc… Now my issue is these two set of rules, her mom allows certain things in her home that I don’t allow in mine. Certain clothes, shoes ear rings, TV shows music activities exc.. she allows and I don’t. When she comes to my house and I see these things I bring it to a head and try and find out what’s going on. Well I had to sit back and think about it, it’s not her fault she only wears what her mom buys and she only does what her mom allows her to. Now first off this is not a baby mama bashing this is just what’s going on she has a open invite to this blog to voice her opinion.” (My name is Nicholas Antonio White and I said it and I ain’t taking it back)” . Now I don’t believe in all these single parent home excuses when you have two educated parents working together to raise a child. If your child’s father who is willing to help you raise your child money wise and time and discipline it’s no excuse why your kid shouldn’t be successful in life. Now when the parents aren’t on the same accord and have the same purpose at hand you have a problem. I'm not one of the daddy’s that just let my kids look at rap videos all day, look at all kinds of movies, look at all these stupid reality TV shows and 95.7jamz bs in the morning. I don’t agree with a ten year old dressing like she’s 18, tube tops wedge heals and all that, it’s so many crazy people in the world and you never know what’s going through their mind. Now we have a serious problem because my daughter thinks that I have a problem with everything she wears, which 75% of the time I do. When she comes to my house I usually have to send my wife to buy her new clothes because you ain’t going with me no where dressed like you 25 and you 10. It’s so much more but I need to stop. Help me. Why is it that you have men in this world who honestly care for their kids and want the best willing to do what it takes to work with the mom but they don’t or aren’t willing to accept the help. As soon as the kid comes up pregnant or in jail it’s the daddy’s fault “O you know her daddy wasn’t around” No her dad tried to help. I mean is the MONEY more important than the LIFE-LESSONS on how to carry yourself as a woman. But then some baby mama’s tell that lie I AINT got no help, O yeah you do it just aint the kind you want. What am I missing? Help me out cause I must be the crazy one.
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Okay, I’m not in your child’s mother’s shoes, so I can only answer this based on what I would do. I agree with you and my friends and I (some with kids, some without) all feel the same way. I have seen it too many times, especially with young girls, where the kids don’t dress age appropriate. I have a friend with a step daughter the same age and she still dresses age appropriate. She wears her hair in pigtails and bows and the only time I’ve seen her wear something resembling a heeled shoe is in someone’s wedding. She is tall, so from a distance, you’d think she’s twelve, but her parents on both sides still treat her the age she is. I too think it’s wrong to have your kids listen to hip-hop and watch TV all the time. Kids are like sponges. From the time they can form a word, they can repeat and emulate everything you do. Your child should not know all the words to the Birthday Sex song but not be able to name an influential Black person in history besides Martin Luther King. I think some younger parents want so bad to be their child’s friend. It’s not to say they don’t discipline them, but they neglect to see that the child is just a child. With that said, you have mothers letting their daughters grow up too fast. I have a cousin through marriage who is 16 with a navel ring and a tattoo! I would be livid if my child got either one. The thing of it is the mom was okay with the tattoo but got mad about the navel ring because she did it without her permission…huh?!
ReplyDeleteI’m not bashing your child’s mother, but the two of you are going to have to get on the same page. The more your daughter picks up on the difference of opinion, the more that will manifest itself in other behaviors. As much as your child’s mother would love to say “she won’t do that” or “my child won’t be like that”, she will. It happens too often. Sooner or later, your daughter may pit the two of you against each other on bigger things. Now its clothes, but in two years it will be dating. Pray about it and try to find out if her difference in opinion is out of spite or to go with the status quo. Either way, you two will need to find common ground.
This is Shaquana.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tricky one. I think ANY woman who does not appreciate a man trying to be a FATHER is making a GRAVE error. I often wonder what goes through some of our minds. & just from an honest place, I feel like this is deeper than clothes. But we'll stay on that for now. I don't know how much communication you've had with the mother on this issue, because you didn't say, but I would like to think that with both of you being adults you should be able to come to an understanding on this. Dads are always protective of little girls. They are gonna think you're wearing make up too soon, you shouldn't wear your hair a certain way, your shorts are too short, etc., because they see things from a male's perspective. Mom's are a little more lenient with clothes because sometimes we think it's cute. But I will say there is a fine line. Some of the things that are made today are too "grown", but making those decisions will have to come from growth in the mother. I think I was in high school, & my two younger cousins, who I'm 8 & 10 years older than, were wearing thongs. & I remember thinking then, how stupid it was of their mother. I couldn't understand how she let them convince her that they needed to be concerned about pantylines in middle school. & to this day, I don't know what makes some mothers want to be their child's friend so bad. They need discipline & guidance & sometimes they need us to say, that's too much. But again, I think this is a surface issue. That's my honest opinion. I feel like you're a pretty verbal person, so I can't see you not relaying the way you feel about this to the mother. It almost feels like one of those things some of us do because we can. It's more about controlling the situation & letting you know that I spend my money where I please & if you have a problem with it, you buy what you want her to wear. It's almost like a nitpicky kinda thing where you do something you know a person doesn't like, for whatever reason. But I would challenge any person in a situation where children are involved to exercise the adult, mature, side of you at all times concerning issues with the child. It's so funny that I JUST had a conversation with my cousin this morning about her BD issues & I had an issue with my own BD yesterday, where I had to be the bigger person for my children's sake. Because the deeper issues that we don't deal with can really hurt us & our children. So, we either have to deal with the issues from the past & what's beneath the surface, or at least be mature enough to grit our teeth & deal with the surface issues for the sake of the most important person in the conversation, & that's the child.
I totally agree, and yes there are some underline issues with this whole deal. I hate to say it but she knows that I didn’t do anything in the past to cause us not to be together now. I’m not one of these dudes that she has to go looking for to help take care of OUR child. I tried for years to get with her she wasn’t hearing it for some reason, now I’m married and happy. It’s no changing that you had your chance and you lost it, deal with it and move on. It’s usually the man who’s feeling the pain from the past mistakes, well the tables turned on this one. I have tried to talk to her several times on these issues but she never has time or she just avoids talking to me. I have no problem with communicating with anyone if I have something I want to say I will say it to your face period. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get her to be a woman and talk to me about our child. Hell she’s acting like the Baby Daddy.
ReplyDeleteFirst things first, you don’t come across like U guys are a UNIT…Nor does it come across like U want or desire to be a team..Maybe its me….but I’m reading it to be soooo one sided…U mention there was no clarity in the break up, well there appears to be no clarity in how you guys want to raise this beautiful young lady either. Secondly, Please know, 10 yrs old is old enough to see when daddy & mommy have problems with each other and will more than likely use it to their advantage at one point or another. For instance, who packs the clothes for wkend w/daddy. You and BM need to talk, not cordially speak…Not pass messages thru the grandmomma, Not thru the babygirl, Not via text, but a calm sit down. Talk!!!! Oh, and don’t talk at her, talk to her.
ReplyDeleteAs mentioned, its just clothes now, but I too see it being deeper than that. Truth be told, a child coming from Moms house to Dads House, is always going have two sets of rules. Whether its, cleaning up the room and straightening up the room. Whether its lights out @ 9:30 or lights out @ 10pm…Whether its, Oooooh I can wear my short shorts wit mommy and put my cute Capri’s on wit Daddy. You guys need to get on one accord. Hey, Have you tried talking to babygirl about how you feel, why it bothers you to see her with inappropriate earrings for her age, or why it bothers you to see writing across the behind of her shorts….tell her how silly it looks… See what’s her input, why does she like it, or does she even like it? Same thing with the TV Shows, Music video….watch one with her, get her feedback…Ask her, why was that entertaining or did U think they looked silly…Bottom line, U need to talk to them both.
Okay I have talked to her about the whole deal and she thinks it’s fine because her mom allows it. I have told her over and over as well as my wife why these things aren’t appropriate for her to be doing and wearing. Yeah she knows we don’t get along and she will tell you my mom doest want to talk to my daddy. I can talk until I’m blue in the face and if she’s not listening it won’t help. I can’t make a grown 29year old woman talk to me and listen to what I’m saying, she has to want to listen and do what’s best for her. Yeah it’s one sided for now but like I said she has access to the internet and can join in I would love it. I have no problem with putting my faults on the line. If I was wrong I was wrong I’m man enough to admit it.
ReplyDeleteThis is from Lashawn.
ReplyDeleteNo you are not crazy she needs to work with you in raising your daughter. I believe I can chime in on this one. I want more help with my kids. My advice is to always put the child’s needs first in every situation. By no means should your little girl dress as if she is 18. These children are already growing up way to fast and look 18 when they are 10. Please protect your child innocence, she may not understand today but, she will later. To the child’s mother you should thank God you have a man in your child’s life that actually wants to be active, I’m sure you hear the typical single parent story (e.g. absent father) you have no idea how heartbreaking it is for your children to want to spend more time or just want to feel loved by their father and don’t…. Baby you better get it together and learn how to co-parent and raise a wonderful and productive young lady.
Just out of curiosity, is it the little girl's interest to dress that way or is it just what the mom buys? I ask because the way I grew up, I always hung around "nice" girls. No on dressed crazy or dated early because it was the way our parents raised us. We're not perfect, but I didn't have a desire to be fast (as my grandma would say) because my crowd wasn't that way. Luckily, my parents were able to put me in a school system and raise me in such a way I didn't want to grow up too fast. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'd say my friends and I (all of who'm I'm still tight with) were all raised to focus on school and acheivement so clothing played second fiddle to anything else. Sometimes the best medicine for kids is the other kids they're hanging around. No child wants to feel left out, so it's all about the crowd she's trying to be a part of
ReplyDeleteWell Nelly I think she wants to dress that way because she sees her mom dressing that way and just like all little girls they want to be like their mom. If she lived with me I believe she would want to dress as my wife does. She thinks it’s cool because of what she sees on TV and if her mom doesn’t say otherwise or that’s wrong she thinks it right and okay to do. When she comes to my house then I’m mean or lame. All I can say is it’s all about how you are raised.
ReplyDeleteThis is from Shaquana.
ReplyDeleteOk, so we've established that there are underlying issues. & we don't know your BM or your past together, but it seems like the unresolved issues between the two of you is what's REALLY getting in the way. I can identify with you as a parent wanting what's best for your child, your BM because I'm a single mother & I have unresolved issues with my BD, & with your daughter, because I was in her shoes until I went off to college. So from a concerned parent's perspective, I know that it takes "arriving" at a certain point on the maturity scale to understand what it means to really RAISE a child. I always wanted my children to be in a 2 parent home, but that's not the way it worked out. So, I'm raising twin boys by myself. I don't know what it is to be a man, but I know the type of men I want them to be. & I know that children learn from their environment, so I try to instill things like responsibility, honesty, kindness, respect, etc., in them so no matter where they go it will always be with them. Because you can't always control what they learn on the outside. & I know they are going to learn a lot of things in their father's absence, about him & themselves(& a lot of it is not going to be good), but I want them to have a good foundation so as they grow older they'll be able to deal with those things like I did. As a single mother, sometimes life gets in the way. & I'm not making excuses, but she has your daughter the majority of the time. Let's be real, weekends don't raise a child. & I don't know how much help she has, but I image it's mainly you. I was in the same situation, in Montgomery, no family, just me & my kids before I moved back home to b'ham. & when you work all day, get the kids from school, sometimes go to school yourself, feed em, play with em & love on em, bathe em, & put em 2 bed, it's a LOT. Sometimes, the tv is on too much. Sometimes you let them get by with a little more because you get tired of fussin & you think if they're not killing each other or hurting themselves, let it go. We have those days. & it's easy to look from the other side of the street & say this is what you should do, when you don't have to do it. Again, no excuses, just being real. Now, you have to be mature enough to realize that those "days" can't outweigh the days when the tv is off & the books come out, & mature enough to pay attention to what you watch, & who your little friends are(cause 9 yr olds in 09, are NOT the same 9 yr olds from 90), & what you hear mom say & see mom do. You REALLY have to be mature enough to recognize that the influence you have on your child as a parent is greater than anything they watch or hear on the radio. Lastly, from experience, it's NOT cool being in the middle. I don't know what she says about you, but I can assume it's not always nice, & vice versa. It really puts a child in a hard place when you hear all the negativity. You both have to show her that you may not agree or even get along, but when it comes to her, she is IMPORTANT enough that you are willing to put your differences aside. & you mentioned that you & your wife have talked to your daughter about these dress issues, but I would caution you & your wife on her role in the whole conversation. In my opinion, it should be minimal at best. & I don't mean, when you see a child headed in the wrong direction to turn your head, I just feel like the person most vocal on this should be you. My stepfather NEVER jumped in the mix of the mess. He always remained neutral, & it made me feel like he wasnt picking sides. He always made me feel like he was on MY side. I just feel like there are enough underlying issue going on. & she should just be cautious about which fight she throws her dog in.
Im gonna tell you like this homie.....When it comes to raising kids in a home thats not whole, sometimes the mother is forced to be the more aggressive half of the parenting pool. I too, have a daughter with a woman that Im no longer with. I have come to realize when you are under the pressure of "I gotta any way" sometimes you can be unreceptive of another opinions. Let me explain.... Those of us men who want to be in every minute of the childs life have to realize that regardless, mom is gonna do what she wants, when she wants. If she thinks this outfit is "cute" then she is going to put it on that child. Most fathers are too over protective. So what dog, thats what we are born to do... and some women need to be informed on whats "cute" and whats "too grown". Last of all dog, all I can really say is keep the peace. You don't want that little girl to start pulling away because you are too strict. Bend but don't break!!!! All you can do is voice an opinion, if you don't like the outfit...."Change it"... Problem solved!!! Situation still calm.
ReplyDeleteShaquana I agree with you totally. There are different cases for everyone, in mine I just talk to my wife about the situation and she gives me advice on how to go to my daughter with it without being to hard. I say what I say and I mean it period she gives me a better way to say it. She never gets involved with the conversations. Good point though makes a lot of sense. I am personally over what we had it’s over and done with and I ‘m thankful to God that she didn’t decide to be with me I would have missed out on the blessing I have now. I do understand the single parent home deal, she has help though my mom lives 5mins from her, her sister and her nephew live with her, I help her so she has no excuses, I take her to the doctor , dentist or where ever else she has to go, truth be told all she does is just live there PERIOD. She’s at home all day looking at TV, she doesn’t want to go to a summer camp, she told me all she wants to do is relax for the summer. WHAT! But her mom thinks that’s ok because if she didn’t she would have been trying to find somewhere for her to go. In this case the I’m tired when I get home and all that jazz aint working here. I even told her if she needs that much of a break send her to my house she can stay with me, and you don’t even have to pay me child support.
ReplyDeleteThis is Shaquana.
ReplyDeleteI swear this is my last post on this, but WOW. I have to address the comment about the baby wanting to dress like her mom, but if she was living with you she would wanna dress like your wife. Ok, you CAN'T change the mother. So, your best bet is to be the best example of the alternative that you can be. I agree with Pistol, when she's with you, dress her in what you feel is appropriate, because you can't control how she dresses when she's not with you. That's the reality. End of story on that. Now, you don't seem too fond of the type of woman your BM is now, or at least the way she dresses & some of her life choices. But, at some point you liked it because you were together. So, I don't know if your BM recently changed, or if she has always been this way & you outgrew liking it. Because by your recollection, you don't even know why ya'll broke up. So, what's the major lifestyle difference now, as opposed to then? Finally, PLEASE don't ever compare your wife to your BM, at least not to your daughter. Not cool. They're not the same person, & both of them should add value to her life in some way. & you should be very careful when pointing out what you think is good about one & bad about the other. Because NOBODY wants ANYBODY talkin slick about their momma. Try to find & focus on something good in your BM, because I hope she's not all bad. & then focus on what you CAN control: your attitude, your words, your actions, & your influence on her as a father. Don't let this battle make you weary, because your role is SO important. You're not always going to agree with her mother's choices, & she has a LONG life to live & a lot more growing up to do. So choose your battles wisely, & do the best YOU can, because you can't live for someone else
I agree with you I have out grown her In so many ways not that I’m better than her it’s just back then I was young and dumb and was just caught on looks. As I got older I learned better and started to look for quality.
ReplyDeleteOk let me clear up the last statement. My daughters mom is a good person, we just have two different ways of looking at life. When I was a child I acted and spoke as a child I am a man now and I do as a man. Her only purpose in my life was to bless me with my daughter, at the time when we were together I thought she was the best thing for me. Remember I was a boy 18years old and thought that looks were the way to go and that’s all that mattered. I’m now 29 and I realize that I woman is just that, but a virtuous woman Is what I wanted and needed but, for a man to understand that he has to mature. She’s just not for me and may not have been from the beginning but I wanted to do my own thing.
ReplyDelete