Good day people I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I wasn’t going to post this but I was asked to by both parties. It has been revised from its original state.
I have a good friend who is in a bad spot in his marriage, they are dealing with the 2nd biggest reason for divorce SEX. They got married a couple of years back and the sex was good for a while then it started to slow down, he wanted it she didn’t, her head was hurting and she was tired. Well he ended up running into one of his old flings, they never had sex before and nothing ever came of the relationship. Well this night when they ran into each other they had a couple of drinks and ended up talking in her car. She started to kiss on him making moves exc… now fyi he hasn’t had sex in about 2mnths because he is scared to asked his wife for the fear of rejection. Well any way they ended up in her apartment and you know what happen next. Well she started texting and calling him to get a seconded round but he wasn’t feeling it, after the first time he felt really bad and didn’t know how to deal with it. Well the wife found out about the whole thing through his cell phone. Now she decided that she wasn’t going to leave and they would just have to work it out. What got him was she stayed and also they started to have sex all the time she was doing things he had been asking for and she never did and he was getting it on the regular. After a while the same old things started happening again, but now it was that she told him that she wasn’t really into him sexually anymore. She didn’t want to have sex and when they did she would tell him “I don’t really feel like it but come on and hurry up” now he is really into the foreplay thing and she isn’t , it’s certain places that she won’t let him kiss or touch. She never comes on to him, and when he comes on to her she tells him she’s not In the mood. Now he asked her what the deal was and why the sex isn’t popping off the way it was. She had no answer. Well when she wants it he’s ready and she likes to go like 3-4 times a night, and when she wants it he better be ready. Huh! Well he’s in a spot now where he doesn’t know how to handle it, he knows cheating is not the way to go, and he really wants to please his wife and he’s lost on how to make it happen. He asked me “ man if she was going to act like this I would have rather her just left and been with someone else why did she stay”. He has tried everything and doesn’t know what to do. Hell I don’t know what to tell him. Help this brother out.
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This is tough. I'm a female and I will admit that we can neglect men sometimes. We assume because of the nature of a man that he will just get turned on at the very thought that we mention sex and that isn't a fair assumption. I do not think he should solve things by cheating although that seems like an obvious answer....need I remind you of Steve McNair!!! Baby girl may seem all down and with it, but she could be a ticking time bomb and you making your pit stops could be just the fuse to set her off.
ReplyDeleteI do think he and his wife should try talking things out together and if that doesn't work then counseling. If nothing changes, at least he can say he tried. Ask her why she fell in love with him. Do they connect on any level besides sex? Was she just looking for security? I can't say what I would do, but I'm shocked at how well she took the news that you cheated. This is a long shot, but could her willingness to take tne news so lightly and unwillingness to sleep with you be an indication that someone else is putting in work and better than you? Also, what do you do to turn her on? Don't make the assumption that your old tricks are still doing it for either. She may seek to be simulated in other ways but too afraid to tell you what she likes for fear of being labled a freak. I know, it's stupid, but some women think this way (epsecially if she's young). Either way, something is wrong and I think you should make the effor to find out what and the both of you should seek counsel from God too. There are plenty of Christian based counseling services in Bham if you're too uncofortable to discuss such topics with your pastor.
Also, I forgot to mention. He should really get to know what she likes. I've found, as I approached and am now 30, that I was the one with the high sex drive and my husband wasn't. Every woman I know at 30 said the same thing. It's like a switch goes off. It's gotten better now, but it took some time for us to get back the same page.
ReplyDeleteAndrea said.
ReplyDeleteOk this one maybe a little tricky because for some odd reason I’ve reached the conclusion that maybe the wife is creeping with someone else who is satisfying her and she knows that she must continue to engage in intercourse with her husband so he will not suspect anything(EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO). I’ll be honest with you most women will not just tell their husband that you’re not satisfying me sexually unless 1. there is someone else putting it down or 2. the husband isn’t doing all that he claim he is doing. Let’s be honest here the sex isn’t the only issue that this couple has going on, there is something a whole lot deeper than what we’re being told. First off sex just doesn’t get bad 3 years after you’re together hell she knew he wasn’t pleasing her(if this is really the issue) within 6 months of them having sex. So I say to the husband find the deeper issue because obviously there is something going on. Most of all I’m truly confused by the fact that this woman isn’t into satisfying her husband because as my grandmother said to me long years ago “Baby when you get your husband make sure he’s pleased because if you don’t do it someone else will.” I’m a huge stickler for making marriage work because that’s something that’s ordained by God, so I say the Married guy should try to work things out with his wife because from the sound of things she maybe one foot in and one foot out. Okay I will not accuse her of cheating but it’s hard for me to believe that a woman in 2009 doesn’t want her HUSBAND (not her boyfriend, booty call, etc) to be happy. Come on women we have to keep our spouses happy, or the other option HUSBAND maybe slacking in bed and if this was a problem it should’ve been checked prior to saying I DO, my remedy is PRAY and ask God to increase the physical attraction in your marriage or something because DIVORCE is not an OPTION….
Shaquana said.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm confused once again. I can't understand WHY a married couple is going 2 months at a time without having sex. Married people say what you want, but there is no excuse for that in my opinion. I hear what everyone's saying about talk it out before you walk it out & pray about it & all that, but there is something serious going on here, & I don't think he should carry the load of fixing it on his own. I think she REALLY needs to come out of the bag & be honest with him about whatever the hell she's going through. If he's telling the story the way it really is, something is definitely off with her. He didn't continue the affair which leads me to believe that it was solely about sex. I think she may have stayed because she knew she drove him to it. But what I don't get is WHY?! Can he be that awful? Because nobody just goes from marrying type d*** to you repulse me don't touch me type d***. I'm not buying that. & if that is the case, she knew it was awful before she said "I do". & some of the ladies have suggested that she may be cheating, which is possible. That may be another reason she stayed; she may have felt guilty about her own wrongdoing. But that takes me back to: how could the sex all of a sudden become that bad? I'm just not connecting with this story. A huge part of it is missing & if he's being honest, she needs to fill in the pieces. Because for a drastic change like that, I start thinking is it some kind of sexual assault that could've taken place? I know that oftentimes makes the woman not want to engage in sex with their partner & they're too embarrassed to tell them that it happened. I don't know. I'm just feeling like it's something major & it's not just about sex. Because if you're in a MARRIAGE & you think you're gonna withhold sex & stay in that marriage without giving that man an honest explanation & everything's gonna be honkey dorey, you're missing a LOT of screws. & I have to disagree with Andrea. I think divorce IS AN OPTION. I think everyone should do what they can to make their marriage work, but as I've said before, ALL marriages are NOT ordained by GOD. People these days just walk themselves down the isle & don't even think about taking it to GOD. & then when the s*** hits the fan they wanna run to GOD cryin Lord bless my mess! I don't think so. This is a bad situation, but it goes deeper than sex because these are two people who can't even talk to each other. There is REALLY something wrong with that. & I think if she's not mature enough to be honest with him, & she owes him that much, she's not mature enough to be married.
& for all the women who will give him suggestions on what HE can do to fix it(try a new position, touch her there, buy her flowers), turn the tables. Put yourself in this man's shoes. What would you think if you started to come home to a man that didn't want you to touch him or wouldn't touch you. How would you feel if he went months without being intimate with you & when he finally did, he gave you a bust it baby session & then went back to ignoring your a**. I think it's incredibly selfish for women to think it's cool to do things like this to men, because we all know it would be absolutely unacceptable if your man did it to you.
Well put Shaquana. I don't think we think the man is the only one who should fix it, but the question was put out there as to what HE should do. I do think it takes two people and you are so right that some people okay a marriage without checking with God first. Because I put myself in his shoes, I couldn't be totally hard on him. I can't imagine what it is like not to feel wanted or desired. It's why we do what we do. It's why a woman will put on a nice dress, high heels, with her her laid and why I guy puts on a nice shirt, shoes, with a fresh cut. Married or not, we want to be desired by the opposite sex. I'm not condoning what he did, but I can understand the mindset that would put someone in his situation. I do think he should, for his own piece of mind, try to make it work. Then if she can't get with the program, consider seperating. No one, wants to be in a marriage that is not being fulfilled in ALL areas.
ReplyDeleteShaquana said.
ReplyDeleteOh, & I meant to clear something up. Life said he was asked to post this topic by both parties, so is it possible to get her side of the story? Or is she in agreeance with his version since the post has been modified? I would love to get some insight into her thoughts. Because as a woman I do not identify with any of those feelings when it comes to remembering a time when I was in love. The only time I can remember wanting to vomit when my man(& I use that loosely) wanted to touch me in a sexual way was when the thrill was gone because the love was gone & it was so over for me.
Well Shaquana she approved it before I posted it so she is cool with it. Not sure if she will comment or tell her side.
ReplyDelete